I’ve had enough.
I’m done with all the “No” and ready to embrace life with a loud, resounding “YES!!”
In the last month I’ve had an awakening, a realization, a new attitude & push to move forward in bigger and better ways. Don’t worry, this isn’t some cryptic, figurative message that I expect you to decode or pretend to understand. Allow me to explain:
The first week of April I traveled to Folly Beach with my Jenkins family. We went without Tyler as he was in the throes of daunting tax season (an accountant’s least favorite time of the year) and that made me nervous. Yes, I would be traveling and vacationing with family (Tyler’s side) all of whom I adore and feel 100% comfortable doing/acting/saying anything around. But, anxiety surfaced over how I would feel physically through the car ride, the food I would eat/couldn’t eat with them, all the medical junk I would be traveling with, etc.
My husband and my parents are my ultimate safety net. With them by my side, I feel like I can do anything without fear. Without them… I’m not quite as confident.
Anyway, if you read my post (here) about the trip you already know it went wonderfully! It was a much needed, much treasured break from everyday life. I had absolutely nothing to worry about.
Mornings at the beach were spent admiring the gorgeous ocean view from our beach house, spending time listening to the Lord, and doing gentle yoga. All of which provided my mind, heart, soul with a great deal of time to reflect on life… all the things I needed to be MORE grateful for and not scared to celebrate, as well as the aspects of life that I needed to re-accept and lean on His peace to endure.
The Lord started revealing to me that a certain time has come. A time to move forward with YES rather than staying behind with NO. I’ve finally come to a point where I can live more fully without fear of my body completely crashing at any time. Okay, this still happens…but not nearly as much and not nearly as dramatically. As times goes on, I feel more and more like a normal human living without the weight of extreme limitations.
He’s showing me that I need to give myself more credit for ALLLLLLL the progress I’ve made and ALLLLLLL the amazing things I CAN DO now. Of course God deserves complete glory in everything and certainly He has worked miracles over my body. But, it’s not wrong for me to take pride in the work I’ve done/am doing to get better.
I’ve been hesitant to credit myself at all… I never wanted to sound ungrateful or prideful. Truly though, I’m coming to a place where I realize it’s okay and good and necessary to acknowledge my part in this whole fighting/healing journey. Because YES, we should trust God 100% to take on our troubles and work them out for the good. BUT, that does not mean we can sit back, play the victim card, or take the easy way out.
The last 3.5 years have been excruciatingly hard. And now, the hard stuff I deal with daily pales in comparison to the suffering that is behind me. YES! Still though, I have to make the choice every single day to put in the hard work needed to propel me forward.
It is really, really hard to pick my body out of bed or off the couch to go for my daily walk. I do it anyway because ultimately it will make me feel better and seeing my stamina increase is a wonderful feeling.
It is really, really hard to continuously put all my effort into feeding this body. I do it anyway. Convenience would be easier, eating junk, throwing in the towel after all these years and declaring “EVERYTHING hurts, NOTHING Works.. I’ll just stop caring” is quite tempting at times. But the research, time, energy, constant experimentation/elimination and careful effort that I’ve put into finding optimal nutrition is TOTALLY paying off. Yes, it is hard. And yes, it is extreme. I do it anyway because I want the fullest, best life possible and I know that without a functioning body I’ll never complete God’s work laid out before me.
It is really, really hard to wake up early (feeling like my body was beaten up through the night) and force myself to stay moving until I complete some daily chores/work. I do it anyway. Ultimately, I feel accomplished, I am contributing to my household, I’m spending 2 days a week caring for my Uncle, and I feel needed.
It is really, really hard to feel comfortable and confident in a body that is constantly changing. I do it anyway. I do everything I can to get my body to a more ideal weight because that is what’s best for me. Gaining weight (even desperately needed weight) is awkward, feels gross, and makes me feel self-conscious. I worry that when people see me all they think about is my size- whether it’s too small, or too big, or too different than last time they saw me. This is an area of life that terrifies me. I hate comments like, “Wow you look bigger! You’ve gained weight,” because, honestly, no matter how small or how big I am I will never want to openly evaluate my body size.
My hard work is paying off, in the last month especially, He is rewarding me for my part in this suffering and fighting. Thank you, Lord, for giving me determination and willingness to deny the victim role.
The time has come for me to actively start working towards my future. Who does God want me to be? What job(s) does He desire for me to do? What can I be doing right now, where I am to help my dreams someday come to fruition?
Recently, I enrolled in online course through Wellness Forum Health. They are self-paced certification courses that will allow me to build my own career in the health/wellness industry or simply become an informed consumer. If you listen to the podcast (here) or know me personally, you’re well aware of my PASSION for teaching/living the plant-based lifestyle. I am itching to shout important messages about what REAL healthy eating looks like, the dangers of consuming animal foods, the disgusting practices used by industry to produce “food”, the absolute destruction these practices are causing to our planet, and the POWER we all have in determining our health outcomes!
Though I’m not exactly sure when, where, or how… one of my dreams is to work individually with clients to be their “coach/friend” teaching them how to adopt this lifestyle, how to grocery shop, cook, feed their families, and live their fullest lives. I want to educate schools, businesses, churches through sharing this valuable information along with my testimony. There are so many ideas and possibilities floating through this jumbled brain!
God is working all things together for my good. It’s up to me to put in the work, according to my own unique abilities, to bring His plans to fruition. I have to stop waiting for some magical time to come when I’ll suddenly be ABLE to do it all. I could end up waiting forever and wishing my life away! Instead, I have to embrace everything I’m able to accomplish exactly where I am, right now.
Are you living within your limits or daring to live beyond your limits? If living beyond the limitations frightens you or feels impossible, meditate on these nuggets of truth:
- You will never have it all figured out; stop trying to have all the answers.
- You will never be able to do everything; focus on the things that are most important, joy-bringing, and God-glorifying.
- Your tiny bit of ability is more than enough for God to use. You don’t have to be talented, intelligent, pretty, or even physically able (talking to myself!)… you simply have to be willing.
- Stop focusing on your cant’s; start focusing on your cans.
- We all face limitations, obstacle, & hardships in this life. Say NO to the victim mentality; live with power.
- Be willing, listen, & GO.
- Stop putting limitations on a God who knows no limits.
Have you had enough? Are you sick of the NO and ready to embrace the YES? I hope you’ll join me in this quest to live freely in Christ, without limitations, trusting Him to work it all out for our good.