“I want to break free.
I want to break free.
God knows, God knows I want to break free.”
Those lyrics from Queen’s classic rock anthem ran through my head all week.
What a perfect description of my soul’s song for the last few weeks…few months…heck, few years.
I want to break free from the chains of this body.
From the chains of illness and suffering and constant pain.
From the chains of extreme limitations and surgeries and hospitalization and doctors and medicines and missing out on life by factors out of my own control.
I want to break free from the circumstances that are hard, that I hate, that make me cry and feel desperate and hopeless.
I want to break free from all the reasons i wish these situations weren’t reality…at least not for me.
From 3-5 pm every day something unavoidable comes over me. An additional pain, completely indescribable mixed with plummeting blood sugar and my internal alarms alerting me to take my meds.
No matter what I do or don’t do, no matter how obedient and diligent I am to my needs – I still feel like I’m going to explode. Everyday I tell myself that I won’t give into this pain, I’m not going to feel it. Yet, consistently I am proven wrong. I won’t talk about it, I won’t act on it, I won’t complain to others though I’m dying in those hours… I feel a sensation begging me to literally crawl out of my own skin. I feel trapped inside myself. And there’s no way out. No where to run, no where to hide, no way to check out. The only option is to face the demons and DEAL.
I have a record of surviving those moments 100% of the time 🙂 I don’t plan on flunking anytime soon.
This week I spent a few days in the hospital (nothing major, don’t worry or ask, I’m fine). I reached a breaking point…a culmination of the suffering, worsening symptoms, and feeling like I wasn’t being heard. Confused over when to push, when to step back, when to share my concerns with others and when to leave them between God and myself.
The words of one of my first SWB posts continued to run through my head as I doubted myself, my pain, my actions, my decisions…
“Self doubt, anxiety, confusion, embarrassment, stupidity ..
All emotions from the enemy I can’t seem to shake. I’m questioning myself. What am I doing? Have I made the wrong choices? Has my intuition led me astray? Are my issues simply fragments of my imagination or forces of evil as real as you & me? Where has my confidence in knowing and trusting my body gone? Do doctors know my body better than I do? Countless events and moments of pain that I’ve interpreted as answered prayers, communication from God, the direction of His will …have I misread the signs?”
(Read the rest here.)
Friends, if you’re at a breaking point, ready to give up, in desperate need of a bright spot in your life...these words are for you.
Whatever your circumstances may be, whether you are having to endure the unimaginable physically/emotionally/mentally, or you are watching a precious loved one walk through the fire…
DO NOT GIVE UP.
I repeat… DO NOT GIVE UP.
Do not give up the fight.
Do not quit.
Do not stop trying just because the fight is hard.
Do not silence yourself when others try to quiet you.
Do not stop pushing when your heart, body & soul urge you to act in a way that doesn’t make sense to anyone else.
Do not feel embarrassed by your pain.
Do not stop your tears from falling or your emotions from expressing.
Do not make excuses for the pain or try to justify the things that are out of your control.
Do not be afraid to FEEL.
Do not be afraid to TALK.
Do not be afraid to be SILENT.
Do not hesitate to simply be STILL.
Do not worry when you come to a crossroads.
Do not get anxious when the rain continues to fall.
Do not lose your peace in the unknown.
Do not give up your patience when things are moving slower than imagined.
Do not forget about hope and joy.
Do not lose sight of the joy that lies ahead through eternal life with our Savior.
Do not believe lies from the enemy that God has forgotten you, does not love you, cannot forgive you, or that He does not hear you.
You are SO loved.
Do not hesitate to cry, shout, whisper, or groan to the Lord. He can handle everything you are feeling.
Do not refuse His embrace.
Do not turn down His free grace.
Do not rely on your own strength.
Fight your very hardest & TRUST His strength to take care of the rest.
You have to fight…for your own life or someone else’s.
You must be your own advocate whether that’s to a doctor, a parent, a spouse, or a friend. Listen to your heart, body, mind, soul and trust the intuition that God has gifted you. That intuition comes from the Holy Spirit who does not lead us astray.
God gives what is good.
Even when our human eyes see a curse, He is working hard to turn it into a blessing. If only we would be patient and trust in His ways, letting go of the need to understand & analyze.
His ways are higher than our own. We were not created to have all the answers…why else would we need our loving Savior?
I get weak. I get discouraged. I get depressed. I get hopeless. I get frustrated. I get upset.
For I’m merely human.
But because of the joy of the Lord I find strength. I find encouragement. I find joy. I find peace. I find contentment for every inch of my soul.
For He is the Great I Am.
Today, I encourage and plead all of you to not give up. Keep on, keepin on. I know it’s hard. I know at times life feels completely out of control, unbearable, impossible, like a living Hell. I know there is pain, suffering, great sadness all around. I’m there with you in the valley. And so is HE.
I also know there is indescribable JOY to be found in each day, and glorious beauty waiting to appear in all the ugly. There is blinding light that WILL outshine even the darkest night, and the glory of the Lord shall prevail in all situations.
If you’re ready to quit, don’t. Even when you want to break free, take comfort in His promises, trusting that the Lord is working out a glorious unfolding beyond your wildest dreams.
You can do it, I believe in you.