Left Behind

Graduations.
Earned degrees.
Job interviews.
The first REAL job.
Accomplishments.
Achievements.
Having something to be proud of.
Your first place that’s all your own.
Engagements (check!). Weddings (coming 4/23/16). Babies (not for a loong time).
Independence.
Financial freedom.
Work Stress.
Bills stress.
“I can’t pay for groceries this month” stress.
“Mom and Dad I need a loan” stress.
Grocery shopping.
Errands running.
Driving.
Normalcy.
Friends.
Outings.
Date night.
Friends night.
Girls night.
Moving out. moving up. moving on. moving out…

This list and much, much more is my wish list of sorts. All the things I hope for, yet miss, desire to “check off”yet God desires for me to be patient and continue to wait.

Even after nearly two years of living the “left behind” life, I still continue to mourn my old self. I deeply mourn all the things that were but are no longer, all the things that could have been but never had the chance to be. I mourn who I was, I mourn my lost abilities, my lost life that I will never have back. I continue to mourn the many parts of who I was, that I was forced to close the door on, say goodbye to and never look back.

Mourning is healthy. It’s a part of the grieving process. I suspect my mourning will continue through much of my life as I’ll always ponder how different things could have, would have, should have been for me in my own selfish eyes.

This mourning is not focused on college. I think that’s a common misconception. I continuously get asked the question, “When are you going back to school?” And though it comes from well-wishing friends and family (thank you for loving me), this question is exceedingly frustrating, aggravating, and disappointing. It makes me feel as though my worth comes only from a 4-year degree, as if my identity somehow lies in education. Or that concerns for me are focused on whether I graduate from a University rather than whether I survive and thrive.

The answer? I do not know ANY of what my future holds. College and working are not responsibilities I can even consider taking on for at least another year. While that may seem like a long time from the outside, that number is honestly pushing it. Earning a degree is not my top priority nor should it be; yes it is something I wish I had accomplished and hope to do so in the future. I’m also incredibly open to the idea that Gods Will may not include more school… He may have something greater lined up that does not require further education. Who knows?!

The only plan I am making and counting on is marrying my best friend, Tyler, on April 23, 2016. He is the precious person who has vowed to unconditionally love, support, and care for me despite what storms are blown our way. And I will undoubtedly do the same for him.

Earlier this week, after spending four days in my very favorite place—the hospital, I allowed my mind to travel to a deep, dark place. A place where it rains self-pity, self-loathing, and tells me to feel completely sorry for my poor self. It’s a place full of comparisons, envy, jealousy, with a focus on all that I don’t have rather than all that I do. This spot in my mind begs the question, “Why me?” and “I don’t deserve this.” I view this particular school of thought as utterly pathetic and downright disgusting; I strive with all my might to avoid this place yet there are times when I cave.

  
While caught in this place, a dear friend of mine texted me. As we talked, I complained of the hurt that comes from feeling “left behind,” from being the one on the sidelines, watching from afar and cheering others on as they move forward with their lives, achieving great accomplishments, getting real-world jobs, degrees, and morphing into true adults. I felt as though I had nothing in my own life to be proud of, no accomplishments to show for myself.

Her response, I have no doubt, was God-ordained and I bet she would never know it. She lovingly reminded me that the horror I’ve already survived is a great accomplishment in itself. She made me realize that others were not judging my life through the same harsh, tainted lenses that I couldn’t seem to shake. Her words re-instilled the self-pride I was stubbornly avoiding and ignoring. Daily, I am mesmerized by and reminded of God’s great truth in Romans 8:28 which reads, “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.”

All things He works together.
All for our good.

And in these moments of self-pity, self-loathing, and just plain feeling bad for myself, I must remember where my identity comes from. Who I am is not contingent on a degree, a job, a bank statement, awards, accomplishments or anything else on that bogus list…

Who I am lies solely in WHOSE I AM and WHO my Maker says I am.

1 John 3:1 reminds me that I am called a Child of God because of the great love He freely lavishes on this world. Romans 8:1-2 convicts my heart when I read that through Christ’s crucifixion I am no longer condemned for failures or chained to sin/death. Rather, I am set FREE. Genesis 1:27 paints a beautiful picture of God creating us all in His perfect image. How can I loathe the Majesty’s creation? Most importantly, 1 John 5:4 gives me confidence in knowing that faith is the greatest accomplishment imaginable for because of Jesus we already have the victory.

What could possibly be better?!

1 John 3:1 “See what great love the Father lavished on us, that we should be called children of God; and so we are. The reason why the world does not know us is that it did not know him.”

Romans 8:1-2 “There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. For the law of the Spirit of life has set you free in Christ Jesus from the law of sin and death.”

Genesis 1:27 “So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them.

1 John 5:4 “For everyone who has been born of God overcomes the world. And this is the victory that has overcome the world—our faith.”

Though my feelings of “left behind” are justified, I know these thoughts are not healthy or helpful to dwell upon. Our Great God has shown me He can work greater wonders through my years of weakness than He ever did in my years of human strength.

This story He has given me, is my life’s greatest accomplishment because through it, His word, His glory, His greatness, His majesty, His love, and His faithfulness shine bright.

My purpose on this earth is not to accomplish that which the world says is good. My purpose is to spread the name of My Redeemer and share His love unapologetic ally. I’m confident that when The Lord calls me home, I will look back upon this life & declare being “left behind” as the greatest thing that could have ever happened in my human existence. Being left behind gave me the unique platform and opportunity to grow into the person who God has called me to be.

And I cannot think of a greater achievement.

11 thoughts on “Left Behind

  1. Mallory, your accomplishment is the great inspiration you bring to all of us through your experience. You have made my faith much stronger. Even though you are following a different path, we are all on the journey of life together, and hopefully will meet each other again in God’s presence. Keep the faith!
    Love, Mrs. Grusy

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Mallory, I love you and I love your words here. Our worth is not in worldly accomplishments but rather in all our Savior has done for us and our acceptance of that. You are God’s pride and joy, don’t ever forget that. Love you!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Hey Mallory, I just want you to know you have been an incredible inspiration for me in my walk with Christ. You give me hope. I look forward to reading all of your blog posts. I thank God for have being able to met someone like you, even if it was my freshman year in high school, when even then you had a lasting positive affect on my life. You unknowingly are one of the most strongest and encouraging people I’ve ever had the privilege of knowing.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. THANK YOU my sweet friend! First, sorry it took me sooo long to comment back. I’ve had tons of tech issues the last few months. Seecond, your words give me so much motivation and fulfillment, thank you for saying that. It helps me to see some purpose in all of this mess… God’s beauty in that pile of ashes. You just blessed me more than I could tell you!!

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  4. Mallory, your blog is a Bible Study in itself! (Beginning the study of “Breathe” with Priscilla Shirer ==Sun. nite Ladies’ Bible Study) Planning to study hard this time, and become more like you!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Sweet Mallory, you have earned a degree that is much more in life – painful, but full of blessings, too! I’ve spent many days re-reading your blog to help bring me out of a funk, so through your trials, you bless others by showing the focus of each day – God! And I always tell my new survivor brothers and sisters that getting in that low place is okay, we just don’t want to stay there! We have to acknowledge the hurts and sadness, unfairness and pain, otherwise it manifests in not-so-great ways! You continue to bless – through your bad times and with your bright smile that shows the joy of the great moments you are finally getting to experience! Loads of love and prayers for you daily! ♥

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Love to you, Gayle! Thank you for reading and supporting and loving on me. I am praying for you as well. Sorry this comment took so long, I’ve been having tech issues for a few months. Your comment touched and blessed me today!

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  6. Mallory, thank you so much for sharing your story. I work with your beautiful sister in law, Andrea, and have heard her speak such beautiful things of you. I have 2 daughters that have cystic fibrosis and on November 26, 2014, God called by beautiful baby girl, Paige,(19 years old) home. She had a double lung transplant in July 2012 and was giving 2 more years with us, her journey was hard but she always had a smile and loved God and was always thankful. She shined a light that is so desperately needed in this dark world. My oldest daughter, Whitney, (22), is also the light of my life. She has done well with her CF, but still has spent more time in the hospital and on the sidelines of life and in turn has brought her a lot of sadness and hurt. Her and Paige were best friends and shared the same illness, so when Paige went home, Whitney lost her “other half” and it was a hard year for her. She went to EKU for 2 semesters but between treatments, stress of keeping up while have 2-3 hospital admissions a semester with continuous iv antibiotic for up to 14 days and the longing to just be “normal” she decided to come home and focus on her health. When I read your blogs I see and feel so much of what you say, I have seen and heard the same from both of my girls. The feeling of being left behind was something Paige always felt, but now I see that time as God having alone time with her, it was her time of growing her faith and learning to truly lean and trust Him, not to say she didn’t have her “bad” days, but she loved God. Her favorite scripture was Jeremiah 29:11, that was her promise of a future, honestly it was also mine. It was hope and promise that God would prosper her and give her hope and a future, that’s what all parents want for their child, but I held on to it as she would be her for her future, now I see her future was in Heaven, and that gives me so much joy now. I have shared one of your blogs with Whitney and hope she finds the time to read it and draws encouragement from it. It’s hard to be young and try and figure things out without having a chronic illness, I know she struggles with what she is suppose to do in life and where to even start, my prayers for her is to lean on GOD and let Him guide her steps and place the people in her life that encourage her, lift her up and love her unconditionally. Thank you so much for sharing your story and what a light you shine for so many and what a beautiful blessing you are to this world. When Paige was being wheeled back for her transplant , she said, “Keep the faith, that’s all it takes!” God bless you and may God continue to use you as a vessel to spread His wonderful word!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Tiffany,

      Wow. I am speechless reading your words. What a heartbreaking story but also a joy filled one God has written through your daughters. I am in tears. I’m also blessed by you, sharing your thoughts with me. I’m so sorry for the loss of your beautiful daughter. It’s obvious she left quite a legacy behind and she lived life with purpose. That’s the most important thing for any of us to do. Thank you for reading and connecting with me!
      God bless!!

      Like

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