“I would rather be what God chose to make me then the most glorious creature that I could think of; for to have been thought about, born in God’s thought and then made by God, is the dearest, grandest and most precious thing in all thinking.” -C.S. Lewis

For the longest time I didn’t want to be me. I vividly remember telling my mom that I was tired of having to be Mallory. I didn’t want to be who I was anymore; I just couldn’t do it. I felt trapped, itching to crawl out of my own skin, desperately wishing I wouldn’t have to continue on as Me.
And now, even with how hard it is to have this life, even with all the challenges I have & will always have, it feels amazingly refreshing to say that “I honestly, really want to be ME.” I actually want to have the life I’ve been given & feel so content & even thrilled with my life. By no means is it an ideal life, picture perfect or an existence that others envy from afar. My situation is not one which causes others to say, “I wish that was my life.” But, I wouldn’t trade it for the world. I wouldn’t swap my suffering, pawn my pain, turn back time…even if it meant never having to endure the torture. The lessons I’ve learned & am learning every single day are treasures that can only be found in the dark.

Isaiah 45:3
“I will give you hidden treasures, riches stored in secret places, so that you may know that I AM The Lord, the God of Israel, who summons you by name.”

Regardless of how painful daily life can/will be– I still choose ME.
Every day that I wake up I’m instantly flooded with gratitude, I find myself smiling in the midst of my desperate need for pain medicine–because GOD IS GOOD ALL THE TIME. I wake up with the realization that I’m surrounded by the most incredible loved ones who are more than family…they’re my best friends. Thinking of the opportunity I’m given to spend even one more day with them, to be here for the crazy ups & downs of this life, that’s what keeps me going. They are my motivation to push through, to keep digging deep in order to reclaim Me.

I see how blessed I am, now, more than ever before. I feel the presence of a Mighty Savior, an Everlasting father & His unconditional love in all that surrounds me. I realize the incredible gift it it to simply wake up in the morning with a fresh start & a second chance at life. Because, I could have easily had it all taken away, lost my battle, & been done. Many days, through countless moment of suffering, the depths of my heart longed for that to be the case. Yet, by His grace, God continues to place upon my heart overwhelming peace, joy, contentment in who I am & more importantly, WHERE I AM.

{{Readers, please understand that I am by no means out of the woods– I’m not physically capable of leading a typical life at this point—when I say in feeling better, stronger, that is still quite weak & sick in comparison to the average person.}}

Every teeny tiny improvement, each microscopic ounce of energy, strength, stamina to fuel my cells, makes me feel as though I’m on the mountaintop!! Feeling like a living, breathing person leads me to fully trust that with God leading the way, I can conquer ANYTHING. I mean, when I consider all that, by HIS grace, I’ve overcome & beat in the last two years, I well up with a great sense of confidence, accomplishment & pride.

You see, even though this has been/is the most devastatingly painful, depressing, sad, excruciating, tortuous, hauntingly horrible time of me life… I truly believe it is also the most important.

**How could my faith have grown leaps and bounds if it hadn’t been tested on the most intense level?

**How could I have truly understood how much I need My Anchor, if I hadn’t been thrown straight into the crashing waves?

**How could I’ve grasped the fragility, the precious gift that life is, if I’d never had my tomorrow seriously threatened?

**How would I’ve come to the realization that Jesus is the bread of life, God’s word can provide total nourishment, & the fullness of God is more satisfying than any meal could ever be, if I hadn’t been forced to give up eating for an extended time period?

**How would I’ve come to treasure my time with those I love, understanding the unmerited blessing they are, if I hadn’t had to FIGHT to be here with them?

**How could I’ve come to the honest belief that God is Always Good, When I am weak then I am strong, He turns darkness into light, if my circumstances hadn’t forced me to rely on these truths just to survive from one minute to the next?

**How else could I’ve come to the true understanding of leaving my future up to God, allowing my faith to be bigger than my fears if I hadn’t been trapped in the realm of total unknown?

For me, it took falling into the deepest of pits for my heart to come to a complete, genuine understanding that, “There is no pit so deep that God’s love is not deeper still.”

1 Peter 1:6-7
“In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, so that the tested genuineness of your faith-more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire-may be found to result in praise & glory & honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ.”

I absolutely would not wish my experiences on anyone. That being said, I cannot change the things that have transpired or the cards I’ve been dealt. What I can do, however, is choose to EMBRACE this testimony The Lord has laid upon my lap. I must use every ounce of what I’ve learned/am learning as a vehicle to glorify the One Who is Holding me… to unabashedly witness for the God who is graciously healing, guiding, forgiving, & loving us all. There is a greater purpose behind this life than I can ever begin to grasp.

I could be bitter in light of all that’s happened, the suffering, pain, loss, the nightmare my life turned into. I could be sad or exclaim “It’s not fair!” when considering the life I’ve missed out on, the freedom that comes with youth, the memories, friendships, events etc. I could mourn & grieve over the loss of the me that I once knew, the life I loved, the future I thought was guaranteed, a healthy, successfully functioning body. I could be angry & dwell on the painful, permanent, chronic issues which will forever follow me through every moment for the rest of my life.

I could, I could, I could…. I WON’T. It’d be a lie to say I never experience these feelings, that I don’t have to fight off them off almost daily. But, I choose to rely on God to fill these holes with joy, gratitude, & hope.

I would have preferred to travel on the interstate, yet God placed me on a one-lane, slow moving, winding, dangerous, limiting back country road. He is ABLE to instantly heal, answer every prayer in accordance with our desires. But, Oh, how grateful I am that He is answering according to His Will, His Desire rather than my own. He’s granting me ample time to learn, grow, pray, listen, be still & discover who I’m meant to be. Day by day I’m picking up the pieces, getting stronger, feeling better & Finding Mallory along the way. This is Who I Am, this is who God created me to be, & no matter what trials I must endure, I will delightfully choose to be ME.