**This memo was scribbled into the “Notes” of my phone during the car ride home from Cincinnati on October 3, just days before we received the news that I qualify for an Islet Cell Transplant. My circumstances had been unknown & up-in-the-air for so long; at this time it seemed they were destined to stay that way even longer. God put this message on my heart and even though car rides amplify my nausea, I felt an urgency to record the questions that were racing through my mind & the feelings which had been plaguing me for weeks**
Self doubt, anxiety, confusion, embarrassment, stupidity …
All emotions from the enemy I can’t seem to shake. I’m questioning myself. What am I doing? Have I made the wrong choices? Has my intuition led me astray? Are my issues simply fragments of my imagination or forces of evil as real as you & me? Where has my confidence in knowing and trusting my body gone? Do doctors know my body better than I do? Countless events and moments of pain that I’ve interpreted as answered prayers, communication from God, the direction of His will …have I misread the signs?
I repeatedly pray for wisdom to correctly hear what my body is telling me, the things that only I can feel and to wisely follow my intuition–a guide that God formed us with to help navigate this crazy world– a tool I believe He uses to lead me. How do I know I can trust mine? Am I a crazy person? It’s impossible not to lose confidence when everything appears to be so mysterious.
Don’t worry folks, no major event has just occurred & these questions are not ones I’m asking you to answer. They are the overflow of my heart thrown onto a page. Sharing my emotions is therapeutic for me and I pray that my attempts at transparency are somehow helpful to others. Spending time in God’s word reminds me that faith is being sure of what we hope for and CERTAIN of what we DO NOT see (Hebrews 11:1). I won’t lose faith in God and I refuse to lose faith in His will to work in me.
I need faith in myself, NOT in my human ability, rather, in the freedom He gifted me to listen, feel and make decisions regarding my earthly body. He formed us with a spirit of courage– not of fear; he wants us to have confidence because of who HE IS and who we are IN HIM. Beloved children of God, carefully knit together by His hands, corrupt from our own sin, freely justified, reconciled and redeemed by the blood of Jesus– now heirs to the kingdom!
Yes, I am struggling now and know the struggles will continue even as I trust in The Lord. BUT, I also know that Satan will never win; he can take his lies and flee in fear. My God prevails always!! We can and must rely on Him to do the heavy lifting, be strong when we are weak and shine his blinding light in the overwhelming darkness.